Resistance

First of all, let me just say that I have checked my Blogger dashboard every single day since making my first posts but it wasn’t until the beginning of this week that I stumbled upon the comments that had been left for me.   Duh!  I had completely forgotten that I set things up so that comments required approval. Thank you for your kind words!  

I have spent a lot of my life fantasizing about domestic discipline, even before I knew that it had a name.  In my made-up DD scenarios, the HoH is always the same.  He sets strict rules, delivers swift punishment, is lovingly stern, and provides continuous accountability.  He creates an environment of emotional security.  He protects and cherishes his sweet little TiH.  I truly want all of this.  Badly.  Tom agreeing to work to provide it to me, despite its not necessarily being “his thing” has been the greatest gift he has ever given me.  Really.  It is just like him to try, though.  He has always had an amazing capacity for love. When he “checks in” with me each evening to ensure that I have complied with his expectations, I feel calmed and fulfilled.  I heave a contented sigh and snuggle down under my covers to go to sleep.

Why then, do I sometimes resist submitting to him?

When he orders me over the bed for a well-deserved spanking, I want so desperately to respond to his questions or scolding with “Yes, Sir” or “No, Sir.”  Often, I don’t.  When he confronts me about why I broke one of our rules, I tend to break eye contact.  When he determines that I have earned a punishment, I sometimes argue the finer details about what I did or did not do.  When he gave me the bedtime that I had secretly been wanting for over a year, I immediately wanted to take back my request.  (I didn’t, though!)

At this point in our dynamic, it isn’t even that Tom gets after me for these instances of resistance.  He typically doesn’t.  It’s simply that my reluctance to give up my will disappoints me a little bit.  I know that we are all a work in progress.

I have considered that I resist because I am testing to see whether he will set a limit.  I have also considered that I resist because I still struggle with feelings of shame and embarrassment about wanting to be made to obey my husband.

There is truth to both of those thoughts. Ultimately, though, I think that I resist because submission is difficult!  It requires humility.  It requires my acceptance that although Tom would never consider me less than his equal, our balance of power is not equal.  It requires me to allow myself to be scolded like a child sometimes, and not to respond by stomping my foot and insisting that I will not be told what to do.  How’s that for irony?  Many may read this and think, “Uh, duh, Princess.  Yeah.  Submission isn’t always easy.”  This is a relatively new realization for me!  I mean, it's all so seamless in my fantasies!  So, please bear with me.

Responding with “Yes, Sir” or “No, Sir” when Tom provides discipline would blatantly illustrate – to both of us – that he has the control in those moments and that I do not.  To submit in this way would force me to actively demonstrate my respect for his authority.  

Maintaining eye contact with Tom during a lecture would put me in touch with the shame and discomfort of being scolded.  It would force me to confront that I am indeed “in trouble” and that this is not a game we are playing.  It would mean that I would have to admit to myself and to Tom that I failed to live up to my responsibilities to him, to our marriage, and to our family.

Resisting temptation to argue when he determines that I have broken a rule would convey my full acceptance that he has the final word.  It would communicate my trust in him to hold me accountable in a manner that he sees fit.  It would require my working to tolerate that he does not owe me an illustration of his decision tree whenever he issues a consequence.

I want to work toward all of that.  So, I have recently asked Tom to hold me to these standards and he has agreed.  That is how it should be, right?  To do anything else would make a mockery of what I have asked for and of his giving of himself to provide what I need.  I love him – and us – too much to strive for anything less.

💖 PrincessImp