Princess's Essay

Try not to plagiarize, kids...  Tom stated that I did not need to make a "References" page, but the text of the essay does a pretty good job of citing my sources.  Just thought I would share.  (Yes, I sent a one word text while driving -- to someone involved with my job.  It was dumb.  Super dumb.)

Distracted Driving in the United States: Statistics, Risks, and Behavior Patterns
By PrincessImp

The emergence of wide-spread cell phone use in the early 2000s afforded American citizens unprecedented levels of convenient connectivity with their families and friends as well as easy, efficient access to a wealth of information.  These luxuries, however, have come at some cost as people have increasingly started using their cell phones in public spaces, in their workplaces, and even while driving in their cars.  This essay will briefly address the growing epidemic of cell-phone usage while driving.  Specifically, three types of distracted driving will be defined, some statistics about distracted driving-related injuries and deaths will be presented, and two recent studies on American driver behavior patterns will be reviewed.   

According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Association (NHTSA), distracted driving refers to any activity performed while driving that diverts one’s attention from the road.  The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has stated that there are three main types of distracted driving: visual, manual, and cognitive.  Visual distractions require the driver to take her eyes off of the road, such as changing the channel on the car radio.  Manual distractions involve removing one’s hands from the steering wheel, such as would be the case while eating or drinking.  Finally, cognitive distractions include any activity that requires the driver to take her mind off of driving, such as talking to a passenger or making a phone call.  Text messaging while driving presents a uniquely dangerous distraction, as it involves all three types of distraction.  That is, one must look at the phone, mentally compose a text, and then type and send it.  Despite the risks that such complex distraction can present, according to an estimate disseminated by NHTSA in 2011, approximately 660,000 drivers are using cell phones while driving at any given daylight moment across America.

Researchers have learned that drivers are notorious for overestimating their driving capabilities while underestimating the risk of distractions.  The Liberty Mutual Research Institute for Safety in Massachusetts, for example, studied 41 drivers and compared their driving skill while undistracted, while distracted with a simple task, and while distracted by a complex task.  Objectively, the most complex distractions contributed to the greatest decrease in driver safety; however, the participants in this particular study were unable to recognize the differences in the complexity of the tasks presented to them and more alarmingly, were also confident that none of the distractions presented had any negative impact upon their driving skill.  In a 2014 study conducted by AT&T, with assistance from David Greenfield, founder of the Center for Internet and Technology Addiction and professor at the University of Connecticut’s School of Medicine, over 25% of those study participants who admitted to text messaging while driving endorsed a belief that they could “easily do several things at once, even while driving.”

Similarly, one might argue that sending a short text message will bring little risk, as the task takes so little time.  In actuality, however, in the five seconds that it might take to send or read a text message, a distance equal to the length of a football field can be traveled while driving at only 55 miles per hour.  In other words, a driver who sends a short message makes a decision to drive three hundred and sixty yards with her eyes closed – something that no rational person would likely ever volunteer to try.  Furthermore, in a 2019 study conducted in conjunction with the University of Utah, the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety set out to test the visual and cognitive demand created by Infotainment Centers in six 2018 car models.  They found that younger (aged 21-36) drivers took a mean speed of 27.7 seconds (the equivalent of driving just over one mile while “blind”) to send a text message while driving, while older (aged 55-75) drivers required an average of 33.8 seconds to send a text while driving. 

According to the NHTSA National Center for Statistics and Analysis, 3,166 people were killed in motor vehicle accidents involving distracted drivers in 2017.  There were 2,935 distracted driving-related fatal car accidents in the United States in 2017.  401 (14%) of these fatal accidents were specifically due to cell phone usage while driving and caused the deaths of 434 people.  A similar percentage of nationwide cell phone-related fatal motor vehicle accidents has steadily been reported each year since 2013.  Additionally, the CDC reports that 391,000 injuries were caused by car crashes involving distracted driving in 2015. 

Even as public awareness of the dangers of distracted driving has increased, many continue to do it anyway.  In 2014, AT&T and Greenfield conducted a telephone interview of 1,004 American cell phone owners between the ages of 16 and 65.  Each study participant stated that he or she drove at least once per day and text messaged at least once per day. 98% of those surveyed indicated that they were aware of the dangers of texting while driving; however, 75% of respondents admitted to doing so anyway.  This discrepancy between risk awareness and behavior patterns was justified or explained in a variety of ways.  For example, 43% of the texting drivers stated that they wanted to “stay connected” with family and friends.  33% stated that they texted while driving out of habit.  28% of text messaging drivers admitted to a fear of missing important information by not checking their phones.  Finally, 14% of texting drivers admitted to feeling “anxious” if they failed to respond quickly to a text message received while driving.

In a study published in JAMA Pediatrics in 2019, Gliklich, Maurer, and Bergmark compared texting while driving behavior patterns in millennial parents compared to older parents.  They conducted a cross-sectional national online survey, with which they collected demographic data, inquired about texting while driving with children in the car, asked whether a family pediatrician had ever inquired about texting and driving, and administered the Distracted Driving Survey (DDS).  The DDS is a validated measure that assesses the frequency of one’s reading and writing of text messages, one’s use of cell phone apps while driving, and the highest speed at which one has engaged in any cell phone activity while driving within the past thirty days.  Drivers between the ages of 22 and 37 years of age were considered to be “millennials,” while all older parents were placed into a separate category.  Ultimately, the study included 225 millennials and 210 older parents from 45 states in the U.S.  In total, 68% of all respondents admitted to having read a text while driving, while 54% had written a text while driving within the past thirty days.  Although millennial parents reported having read text messages while driving more frequently than their older counterparts did, both millennial and older parents reported having written text messages while driving at statistically comparable rates (19.5% compared to 13.8%, respectively).  Lastly, millennial parents had statistically higher DDS scores, indicating a higher rate of risky behaviors that are associated with national motor vehicle crash rates.

In summary, this short essay has addressed the problem of distracted driving – and specifically, the use of cell phones while driving, in America.  Three types of distracted driving were reviewed, recent statistics about distracted driving-related injuries and deaths were provided, and some research data about the distracted driving behaviors of the American public were detailed.  Though distracted driving is clearly pervasive in our nation, it also brings significant, unnecessary, and entirely preventable risk both to the one driving and to others on the road as well. 

Addendum: “Tom,” – I am really sorry about the lapse in judgment that I demonstrated last week by sending even a brief text message while driving.  Even before writing this essay, I knew that it was thoughtless, irresponsible, and foolish.  Having written the essay, I recognize my choice as having also been arrogant, selfish, and immature.  That unnecessary text could have irreparably changed our lives and the lives of others – for absolutely no good reason.  Next time a similar situation occurs, I will allow the “I’m driving” message that auto-responds to texts while I am driving to speak for itself.  If I absolutely feel that the auto-response is insufficient, I will wait until I can stop somewhere safely (NOT at a stoplight) to respond.  I love you. - Princess

💖 PrincessImp

Creative Punishments and Guilt

Yesterday morning, I broke one of my rules in a fairly dramatic fashion.  Before I allowed myself to even think about it, the misdeed had already been done.  I say that the trangression was "dramatic" because it was such a blatantly foolish and irresponsible thing to do.  Domestic Discipline or no Domestic Discipline, I know better than to have done what I did.  It's really that simple.  Carelessness or forgetting is one type of mistake.  Total disregard for rules and safety is another and honestly, it's not generally my style.

Almost immediately, I knew that I would have a hard time waiting until the end of the day to confess to Tom.  Evening felt way too far away.  Furthermore, I didn't want to have to admit to what I had done while face to face with him.  I knew he would be disappointed and frustrated. I felt ashamed.  So, I sent him a sincere, apologetic, responsibility-accepting text to explain.

I have a tendency to over think.  I am curious about the human mind and how it works.  Every time I mess up, I torture myself with self-analysis.  Did I mess up because I unconsciously wanted to be punished?  Did I just have a genuine yet fleeting lapse in judgment?  Why would I mess up in this particular way at this particular time?  Ugh.  It's exhausting.  Yet, it's just how I tick.

Awhile after I sent my confession to Tom, he replied, "We'll talk about it tonight.  I love you and need you to be safe. -Daddy."  Yes, he signs his texts.  Always.  Just a cute little quirk of his.

I felt comforted by his text, but also continued to feel pretty darn guilty.  I don't know that I have ever felt this badly about a mistake I made within our DD arrangement.  Usually, I feel guilty for *not* feeling guilty enough. (Doesn't it sound like a real barrel of monkeys to live inside my head?)

Tom could tell that I was upset when I got home.  He, on the other hand, was calm and reassuring.  "It's okay," he said, his voice gentle.  "There will be consequences, but you will learn from it and we'll just move on.  The purpose of this is not to make you feel badly about yourself."  He asked me to trust him to help me learn from my mistake.  I love him for saying all of those things.

I was fully prepared to have to wait at least a day for Tom to tell me what my punishment would be. I assumed that it would be a spanking. Imagine my surprise, then, when he laid in bed next to me last night and said, "I've decided that you need to write an essay about *insert stupid thing I did here*.  It needs to be 1000 words."  Whuuut?  Despite my surprise, I simply nodded. Of course, I wanted to know his thought process and decision tree and all of that.  Instead though, I tried very hard to just accept the consequence he chose and to trust him like he asked me to.

Sooo, I will evidently be writing an essay.  I haven't written an essay in years.  I asked Tom this morning whether he expected citations and he chuckled at me.  "No," he said, as though the question was absurd.  I was serious, though!  Perhaps needless to say, a spanking would have been much preferred over this.  I suspect that is exactly why I am writing an essay instead. *pout*

I am trying to forgive myself.  I know that Tom has.  When I mess up, I tend to feel undeserving of a DD arrangement at all.  I know that's illogical, but... that's me.  I have needed lots of reassurance from Tom around this and fortunately, he has been there every time to provide what I needed.  For that, I am eternally grateful.


💖 PrincessImp

Princess Gets a Spanking

Hey there!  As I have mentioned several times, Domestic Discipline sort of waxes and wanes for Tom and I.  He gets stressed... or I do... and we just get off track.

Well, last Monday, we re-started again.  We have a "rules based" arrangement, but I am also expected to avoid the 4 D's (danger, dishonesty, disrespect, and disobedience).  We really just focus on six rules for now: I am to regularly take my medications (and ensure that I get refills *before* I need them), go to bed on time (11:15pm on weekdays, midnight on weekends), watch my language with our children, avoid using my cell phone while driving, do the dishes every other night (Tom does the alternate nights), and keep up with a particular task that I hate but that is required for my job.  Soon, I intend to ask him to hold me accountable for working out three times per week. I know that I will struggle to do it on my own unless there is a threat of a very hard spanking involved. Anyway, it all seems simple enough, right?  Uh, not always.

On Monday evening, I discovered that I had left the iron plugged in *again* that morning.  It has automatic shut-off, but still obviously not a great idea.  And if this transgression seems familiar to you, yeah, that might be because I wrote lines for the same thing awhile back.  🙄  When I told Tom, he sort of smacked his forehead and exclaimed, "We *just* got back on track!"  *sigh*

Tom always seems to take a day to decide whether and how to punish me.  So it wasn't until Tuesday night that he told me that I was going to get a spanking for leaving the iron on.  He also reminded me that I had left it on a few weeks ago too, which I had honestly forgotten.

This was the first time since we started DD that I sort of didn't want a spanking.  I say, "sort of," because I would have been disappointed if Tom had not followed through.  On the other hand, I didn't particularly want to be punished.

There was a time not too long ago when I would have thought about the spanking that I had coming all day long until it happened.  I didn't this time.  I tried to be patient and to trust Tom.  The spanking did not happen Tuesday night.  On Wednesday night, after it was clear that it wasn't going to happen that night either, I asked Tom why he was making me wait.  He explained that it was primarily because of logistics with the kids, which I just tried to accept.  I mean, I get it.  We do not need another interruption.

Anyway, I finally got my spanking tonight.  Tom locked our bedroom door and picked up the yard stick.  I was relieved, but I also felt pouty because I still didn't want a spanking.  Earlier this evening, I even tried to argue that the automatic shut-off made leaving the iron on not that big of a deal.  Tom just told me to "stop while I was ahead."  So, I did.

Tom made me bend over the edge of our bed.  Once I was settled, he flipped up my nightgown and pulled my panties down.

"Why are you getting a spanking?" he asked.

I told him.  Then, he proceeded to give me about 30 swats in sets of ten.  The yard stick stings, so I was whimpering a little but I managed to (mostly) keep my feet on the floor and cooperate.  When he was finished, he pulled my pants up, turned me around, and hugged me.

"Are you going to remember?" he asked.

"Yes, Sir," I muttered contritely, as I buried my face in his chest.

"I know you will," he replied, reassuringly.  Then, he told me that he loved me.

So now, I am sitting here with a stinging bottom and writing this post.  I am glad we are (once again) back on track and I have resolved to work extra hard to be a good girl this week.  I will keep you posted...

💖 PrincessImp

All the cool kids are doing it!!

Clearly, I have been dealing with some writer's block as of late.  So, I thought I would play along with the meme that has been circulating here in blogland.

Here goes...

A Summer Meme

This meme comes to us from PK at New Beginnings, and you do know how I love memes.  :-)

Do you like blue cheese? 
Yes, I do.

Coke or Pepsi? 
Coke, when I want cola, which is rare these days.

Do you own a gun?

What flavor of Kool-Aid?
If I had to choose, cherry for sure.

Hot Dogs? 
Sure, every once in awhile.

Favorite TV show? I
 don't really watch a lot of TV.  Cheers re-runs on Netflix?  Or Nailed It (also on Netflix)

Believe in ghosts?
Not really

What do you drink in the morning?
Coffee!  What am I?  Some kind of animal?!

Can you do a push-up? 
Haha.  No.

Favorite jewelry? 
My wedding ring, a silver jangly necklace that I have as well

Favorite hobby?
Scrapbooking, reading, video games

Do you have ADD? 
Yes!  I actually could write a whole post about this, specifically as it relates to 

Do you wear glasses? 
I have them for driving, but almost never wear them.

Favorite cartoon character? 
The Smurfs!

Three things you did this morning? 
Shower, brush teeth, drink coffee

Three things you drink? 
Coffee, sparkling water, wine

Current worries? 
Some work stuff, some family stuff.  I worry about my privacy with regard to this blog as well.

Do you believe in magic?
Yes, I do.  Like, when God or the Universe or *insert your higher power here* orchestrates things such that they work out perfectly.

Favorite place to be? 
I like home.  A lot.

How did you ring in the New Year? 
Sitting on the couch with Tom and watching Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve.

Favorite color? 

Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

I never have, but I bet I would.

Can you whistle?
Sort of.

What are you doing right now? 
Uh, I thought I was answering meme questions...

Where would you rather be right now?
Nowhere.  I am in bed at home.

Favorite food? 
Favorite salad - Chicken Caesar
Favorite drink - Coffee, wine
Favorite breakfast - Breakfast sandwiches
Favorite vegetable - Asparagus!!
Favorite fruit - Strawberries, bananas
Favorite meal - Chicken Alfredo or Lobster
Favorite dessert - Cheesecake
Favorite sex toy or spanking implement?
The belt or the hairbrush

💖 PrincessImp

A Quick Hello...

Hi there, friends in blogland!  Please know that I have been following along on all of your posts.  I will try to post more soon as well.

For now, I will leave you with one thought, particularly because where in the heck else could I possibly say it?

I don't care what any of you say.  Tilt wand spankings *hurt*!

The End.

💖 PrincessImp

Happy New Ye... Er... Valentine's... Week?

I am back!  I apologize for the lack of blog updates as of late.  I have actually had this post written since early January and have been waiting for Tom to proof it.  Then, snow days and illnesses and life happened and here we are.  I will describe our efforts to get back on track in 2019 and add an addendum at the end.

The truth is that my enthusiasm for DD tends to wax and wane.  It often seems to be dependent upon my hormones.  I wish that this were not the case.  I certainly understand that DD is not exclusively, or even primarily, about being "turned on" or excited.  I guess that it just "is what it is."  I would be curious to know whether others tend to experience these fluctuations in interest.

As I have mentioned several times, Tom and I are still very much growing into our respective roles.  When I lose interest or enthusiasm in DD, what I need from him is to insist that the dynamic remain active regardless.  That having been said, I understand how and why that does not come naturally for him.  After all, I am the one who brought DD to the marriage to begin with.  I recently shared with Tom what I needed from him during our DD lulls and fortunately, he seemed to understand and to be willing to demand my compliance with our arrangement regardless of whether I am "feeling it" at any given moment.

Some may wonder whether our recent lull had anything to do with the incident described in my last post.  The fact of the matter is that that's certainly when it started.  I have not, however, ever consciously felt like, "Because that happened, I don't want to do DD anymore."  So, I suppose that honestly, I don't know whether that incident has had anything to do with our hiatus or not.

For Christmas, I did give Tom this bracelet.

I wanted him to know that I certainly wanted to get back on track.

Tom and I were able to have a little time alone together during the holiday break.  While we were at lunch the other day, he asked, "So, how are we going to get back on track with DD?"

"By just doing it," I responded.

"The Nike approach?" he asked.

"Pretty much.  I mean, I don't think it requires anything new or special."

Tom then told me that after lunch, we would go home and make an "official" restart.  I knew what that meant, and I was glad.

So, he took me home and asked for a few moments.  I spent the time picking up my side of the room, which is a cleaning project we have been doing together in the past few weeks.

After about twenty minutes, Tom said, "Since you have been such a good girl by picking up, you can pick the implements we use today."  He had laid *every* spanking tool that we have out on the bed for me.   

He sat in the middle of our bed and over his lap I went.  He told me to choose three implements.  I chose our hairbrush, an otk strap, and a small leather paddle.

"Don't think I am not taking note of what you are not choosing," Tom stated.  Yikes!

Tom pulled my yoga pants and panties down together, baring my bottom.... and started to spank me with his hand. I was squirming and whimpering a bit in no time.  I also got very hot!  Not like, aroused.  Just hot.  I asked if we could point the fan toward me and he said, "You can stand in front of the fan when we are finished."  How rude.

Sometimes, I forget how much "just" a hand spanking can sting!  "Your bottom is out of practice," Tom remarked.  "You have had much harder spankings than this."  Here again, RUDE!  😜

I honestly don't remember what implement he used first.  I am actually terrible at being able to tell what he is using to spank me without looking.  If we were ever to play the "guess the implement" game, I would be sunk!

I think he strapped me first, then used the paddle, and then the hairbrush.  I whined several times that "it hurt (!)" and he gave me the standard HoH-y line that, "of course, it hurts!"  He asked me if I was going to follow my rules and keep up our daily log where we track my behavior and punishments.  I "yes, Sir"ed him between swats, promising to be a good girl.  He told me that I needed to update the blog as part of our renewal of our arrangement (which I probably would have done anyway, but shh... don't tell Tom.)

When the spanking ended, I did immediately run to stand in front of the fan.  Tom chuckled. Then, I went into our bathroom to check out my bottom in the mirror. (You TiHes all know the routine!).  Tom had very effectively turned my cheeks a pretty shade of pink.

As Tom returned to his chores, I laid for several minutes on my tummy on our bed wearing only my panties and t-shirt.  I relaxed into that yummy soreness of a just-spanked bottom.  Isn't that just the best feeling?

Before long, we had to go pick up our children.  I felt the effects of my spanking for a couple of hours, which was also very nice.

I am quite glad to be back on track.  I have been following my rules and keeping our log.  We have been doing at least a brief check-in at bedtime.  Tom told me last night that he felt like we were making progress on various household projects that tend to stress him out, which I was happy to hear.

Addendum: As noted above, life has gotten in our way again.  I am slipping on my rules - looking at my phone in the car, skipping medication, etc.  In my defense,  I held it together for awhile.  I need the accountability, though.

Tom and I are having a belated Valentine's dinner tonight, so we will discuss and get back on track again, I imagine.  Onward!

💖 PrincessImp

Welcoming Your Feedback: A Serious Spanking

About a week and a half ago, Tom and I had a rough few days.  

As I mentioned the other day on the blog, I had been working for quite some time on a  project for my job.  The project had been significantly stressing the both of us out for reasons that I cannot really get into.  The piece that is relevant for this story is that the project left me feeling considerable guilt and anxiety.  The psychology of it was complicated.  

On the day that this mini-fiasco began, Tom had had a trying day at work himself.  I came home from work feeling exhausted and guilty.  A constant litany of self-critical thoughts had been swirling through my mind for several days before this.  

So, we were talking in our bedroom and Tom was upset.  I asked him what I could do to help.  He first stated that he didn’t think that there was anything that I could do.  Then, he asked me a question about my work project.  I explained to him why I could not yet answer the question, but it irritated me that he asked and it put me on the defensive.  

He needed to leave to take one of our children somewhere.  He asked me where one of the kids’ belongings were, as it apparently wasn’t where I had thought it was.  At that point, I sort of lost it.  I stormed out of the bedroom and started looking for the missing item.  At one point in the process of my angrily looking around, Tom happened to be standing in my path.  

“Get out of my way,” I stated flatly.  He probably gave me an angry look at that point.  I frankly wasn’t even looking at him.  I was just annoyed that I was being asked to find this stupid lost item.  

I can’t remember if it was before he left with our child or after he came home, but he summoned me into the bedroom and read me the riot act about how disrespectful I had been.  He was doing the absolute “right” thing.  He has never scolded me for disrespect (not that it happens super often) and this is the exact sort of situation for which we agreed to put DD into place.

So, naturally, how did I respond?  “Well, I’m sorry.  I don’t know what to tell you.”  Then, I turned on my heel and walked out.  *facepalm*

In hindsight, he should have hauled me into our master bathroom, turned on the fan so the kids wouldn’t hear, and given me a good hard swat or several on my bottom right then and there.  I would like to believe that that would have gotten my attention and settled me down.  That is not a certainty, though.  I also want to be clear that I do not mean this as any sort of criticism of Tom.  It was an emotionally complicated situation and I don’t fault him for how he responded.  So, I walked out of the room after issuing my half-baked apology.  We avoided each other for a while after that.  

I hate it when we fight, which fortunately, isn’t often.  When we fight, all I generally want to do is talk it through and resolve it as quickly as possible.  Tom doesn’t always work that way.  He tends to need some space to calm down.  On my best days, I am able to tolerate that and to leave him alone for a while.

This particular evening was not one of my best.

Shortly after Tom went downstairs to eat his dinner, I followed him in order to try to talk.  I think I issued a more sincere apology at that point, but I was still worked up.  He tried at least twice to ask for space.  He suggested that we just drop the topic of what had originally upset us both.  I couldn’t do it.  I repeatedly interrupted him and kept pressing for resolution.  So, the conversation escalated again and he stormed back into our bedroom.  

Then, I really lost it.  I basically threw a tantrum.  I am too embarrassed to share the details of what I proceeded to do.  It wasn’t good and certainly wasn’t appropriate.  I may have thrown a few things. *cringe*  In my anger, I grabbed my keys and went to leave the house. Knowing what I intended to do, Tom met up with me in the garage.  My tantrum continued.  Again, he angrily confronted me.  He said something like, “Your behavior is unacceptable.  You can’t turn DD off and on at will.”

Truthfully, I wasn’t intending to do that.  At that moment, I half-hoped that he would spank me then and there.

Like this.
But our kids were inside and the timing just was not conducive to that.  After a few more tense words, he told me to “stop my bloody tantrum” and went back inside, leaving me standing in the garage.

Having had some time to think about this whole exchange, I now realize that I feel abandoned when he leaves the scene when we’re both angry and upset.  Rationally, I know that he had several good reasons to go back inside when he did.  Emotionally, however, I just could not deal with it.  Cue more tantrum and at that point, I got into my car and angrily sped off. 

Obviously, while I was out (and without my phone), Tom was worried.  So was one of the children.  Honestly, I wanted Tom to be worried and I was too engulfed in pent up emotion about my work project and that evening’s drama to consider anything else (like my poor child’s feelings).

When I came home about half an hour later, Tom was in bed.  I asked him if we could talk and after a few tense words, we did.  During the conversation, he scolded me harshly for having lost my temper and for acting so irresponsibly.  He stated that he had thought I had gotten over such behavior years ago.  He also explained that I had filtered my entire experience of the evening through the guilt I was feeling about my work project.  He informed me that that I hadn’t been listening to a word he said all evening, as apparently he had tried a few times to explain where he was coming from.  That conversation culminated in my sobbing uncontrollably in the shower.  (Please understand how rarely this kind of thing happens.  I’m not a nutcase.  Honest.)  Tom stayed with me until I calmed down, I repeatedly apologized for everything, and we went to sleep.  

I felt horrible for the entire next day.  While I was at work, I sent Tom a text.

Princess:  Are you still my Daddy?
Tom:  I’m still your daddy.  Daddies never stop loving their little girls.

(Yeah, we have a bit of Daddy-Dom/little girl in our dynamic.  That’s a post for another time).

It was a perfect response – exactly what I wanted to hear.  Yet, I still didn’t feel better.  In fact, I cried intermittently throughout the next two days.  I felt such total disappointment in myself.

I apologized to Tom repeatedly over the course of that evening and the next day.  Although he was still upset, he was not holding a grudge.  He told me that he forgave me and that I didn’t need to continue to apologize.  I asked him if we should just stop doing DD.  I felt undeserving of it.  Here I had been, acting like the world’s worst wife ever and yet, I had asked all of the DD stuff from him.  I cannot overstate how horrible I felt about myself and about “everything.”  He calmly told me that we were not going to stop DD.  I don’t remember what else he said right then, but the “take home message” was that I would be getting a “bad girl spanking” the next evening.  Of course, I was not surprised at all to hear that.  Part of me welcomed it.  I had hopes that I could let go of my guilt after the spanking.  Another part of me feared it.  I knew that this would be, by far, the hardest and most authentic “punishment spanking” I had ever gotten from him.  I was nervous enough about it that my stomach hurt for most of the next afternoon.

That evening after the kids went to bed, he came into the bedroom and told me that it was time.  He ordered me to stand and bend over the bed.   I did as he said.  He pulled down my pants and started to lecture me calmly.

I wish I could remember exactly what he said, but I don’t.  He said something like, “I don’t want to have to do this to you, but you know our rules.  You pretty much ran the gamut – disrespect, danger, disobedience.  You really leave me no choice.”

He picked up two of our implements: our Cracker Barrel paddle and our DD paddle from the London Tanners.   For anyone not familiar, the Cracker Barrel paddle is a seven-ply wooden paddleball paddle with the string and ball removed.  Back in the day, it was quite popular amongst our peers in the world of TTWD.  I don’t see it referenced at all anymore.  The London Tanners DD paddle is our scariest implement.  It hurts.  

He started with the Cracker Barrel paddle and spanked every inch of my bare bottom.  He then switched to the DD paddle.  I didn’t count how many swats he gave me, but I was whimpering and “ouch”-ing with each one.  Then, he returned to the Cracker Barrel paddle and started paddling me in sets of three quick swats all in the same place.  My whimpers intensified right along with the spanking.  Finally, he stopped and switched back to the DD paddle…

… and then, there was a knock on our bedroom door. 

I mean, of course, right?  Never before have we ever been overheard by one of our children (who fortunately, just expressed concern that something had fallen somewhere), so of course, it would happen that night.

When we heard the knock, I jumped up and ran into the master bathroom behind a closed door.  Tom dealt with our child and sent her back to bed.  Then, he came back into the bedroom, gave me a long hug while we stood in the threshold of the bedroom, and that was that.

The ending that I want to write here is that then, I went to bed happily and felt so, so much better.

That is not what happened.  And this is where I need your help, dear readers. 

I sat down on our bed and stared into space for several minutes.  Tom sat at his computer to play a game.  He could tell that something was wrong.  He asked me to talk to him.  I wanted to, but I honestly didn’t know what to say or what I was even feeling.

Gradually, I realized that I felt disappointed. Then, I felt guilty all over again for feeling disappointed.  He had given me a legitimate punishment spanking.  It could not have been accurately described as “wimpy” in any sort of way.  Despite that, there I sat with only a moderately sore, hot bottom.  I wanted more.  I wanted to be aching and acutely uncomfortable.  I also realized that the interruption had significantly impacted my experience of the punishment.  More disappointment.  

As these realities set in, I started crying again.  Not only was I disappointed in the experience, but I still felt profoundly disappointed in myself.  I still felt like a “bad girl.”  It sucked.

So, here are my questions:
  • What thoughts do you have about why I felt so disappointed after the spanking?  Do you think that it was primarily due to having been disrupted?
  •  With regard to how hard the spanking was, am I seeking a post-spanking sensation that is fictional?  I mean, I have read in various places that the “so sore you can’t sit down” thing isn’t very realistic.  Again, the spanking was hard and it did hurt.   It was the hardest spanking Tom has ever given me. I don’t know how else to say it, though.  Frankly, I wanted an extremely sore bottom -- a punished bottom that would acutely hurt for at least a few hours.  Is that real?  Is that a thing?  If so, how is that achieved?  (Of course, I know that everyone has different pain tolerances, etc.)
Eventually, I was able to tearfully share my thoughts and feelings with Tom.  I had figured out what I needed right then and for the first time ever in our marriage, I just flat out asked.  I asked him to stay with me and to stroke my hair while we laid in bed.  He did.  It helped me to calm down and go to sleep.  I felt loved.

The next morning, I felt much better.  I remained in better spirits for the entire week.  Was it because of the spanking?  Was it because I didn’t have any more tears to shed over the whole stupid situation?  Do I overthink these things? (Don’t answer that last question.)  I have no idea… but I am very happy to have that whole fiasco behind us!