Welcoming Your Feedback: A Serious Spanking


About a week and a half ago, Tom and I had a rough few days.  

As I mentioned the other day on the blog, I had been working for quite some time on a  project for my job.  The project had been significantly stressing the both of us out for reasons that I cannot really get into.  The piece that is relevant for this story is that the project left me feeling considerable guilt and anxiety.  The psychology of it was complicated.  

On the day that this mini-fiasco began, Tom had had a trying day at work himself.  I came home from work feeling exhausted and guilty.  A constant litany of self-critical thoughts had been swirling through my mind for several days before this.  

So, we were talking in our bedroom and Tom was upset.  I asked him what I could do to help.  He first stated that he didn’t think that there was anything that I could do.  Then, he asked me a question about my work project.  I explained to him why I could not yet answer the question, but it irritated me that he asked and it put me on the defensive.  

He needed to leave to take one of our children somewhere.  He asked me where one of the kids’ belongings were, as it apparently wasn’t where I had thought it was.  At that point, I sort of lost it.  I stormed out of the bedroom and started looking for the missing item.  At one point in the process of my angrily looking around, Tom happened to be standing in my path.  

“Get out of my way,” I stated flatly.  He probably gave me an angry look at that point.  I frankly wasn’t even looking at him.  I was just annoyed that I was being asked to find this stupid lost item.  

I can’t remember if it was before he left with our child or after he came home, but he summoned me into the bedroom and read me the riot act about how disrespectful I had been.  He was doing the absolute “right” thing.  He has never scolded me for disrespect (not that it happens super often) and this is the exact sort of situation for which we agreed to put DD into place.

So, naturally, how did I respond?  “Well, I’m sorry.  I don’t know what to tell you.”  Then, I turned on my heel and walked out.  *facepalm*

In hindsight, he should have hauled me into our master bathroom, turned on the fan so the kids wouldn’t hear, and given me a good hard swat or several on my bottom right then and there.  I would like to believe that that would have gotten my attention and settled me down.  That is not a certainty, though.  I also want to be clear that I do not mean this as any sort of criticism of Tom.  It was an emotionally complicated situation and I don’t fault him for how he responded.  So, I walked out of the room after issuing my half-baked apology.  We avoided each other for a while after that.  

I hate it when we fight, which fortunately, isn’t often.  When we fight, all I generally want to do is talk it through and resolve it as quickly as possible.  Tom doesn’t always work that way.  He tends to need some space to calm down.  On my best days, I am able to tolerate that and to leave him alone for a while.

This particular evening was not one of my best.

Shortly after Tom went downstairs to eat his dinner, I followed him in order to try to talk.  I think I issued a more sincere apology at that point, but I was still worked up.  He tried at least twice to ask for space.  He suggested that we just drop the topic of what had originally upset us both.  I couldn’t do it.  I repeatedly interrupted him and kept pressing for resolution.  So, the conversation escalated again and he stormed back into our bedroom.  

Then, I really lost it.  I basically threw a tantrum.  I am too embarrassed to share the details of what I proceeded to do.  It wasn’t good and certainly wasn’t appropriate.  I may have thrown a few things. *cringe*  In my anger, I grabbed my keys and went to leave the house.   Knowing what I intended to do, Tom met up with me in the garage.
My tantrum continued.  Again, he angrily confronted me.  He said something like, “Your behavior is unacceptable.  You can’t turn DD off and on at will.”

Truthfully, I wasn’t intending to do that.  At that moment, I half-hoped that he would spank me then and there.

Like this.
But our kids were inside and the timing just was not conducive to that.  After a few more tense words, he told me to “stop my bloody tantrum” and went back inside, leaving me standing in the garage.

Having had some time to think about this whole exchange, I now realize that I feel abandoned when he leaves the scene when we’re both angry and upset.  Rationally, I know that he had several good reasons to go back inside when he did.  Emotionally, however, I just could not deal with it.  Cue more tantrum and at that point, I got into my car and angrily sped off. 

Obviously, while I was out (and without my phone), Tom was worried.  So was one of the children.  Honestly, I wanted Tom to be worried and I was too engulfed in pent up emotion about my work project and that evening’s drama to consider anything else (like my poor child’s feelings).

When I came home about half an hour later, Tom was in bed.  I asked him if we could talk and after a few tense words, we did.  During the conversation, he scolded me harshly for having lost my temper and for acting so irresponsibly.  He stated that he had thought I had gotten over such behavior years ago.  He also explained that I had filtered my entire experience of the evening through the guilt I was feeling about my work project.  He informed me that that I hadn’t been listening to a word he said all evening, as apparently he had tried a few times to explain where he was coming from.  That conversation culminated in my sobbing uncontrollably in the shower.  (Please understand how rarely this kind of thing happens.  I’m not a nutcase.  Honest.)  Tom stayed with me until I calmed down, I repeatedly apologized for everything, and we went to sleep.  

I felt horrible for the entire next day.  While I was at work, I sent Tom a text.

Princess:  Are you still my Daddy?
Tom:  I’m still your daddy.  Daddies never stop loving their little girls.

(Yeah, we have a bit of Daddy-Dom/little girl in our dynamic.  That’s a post for another time).

It was a perfect response – exactly what I wanted to hear.  Yet, I still didn’t feel better.  In fact, I cried intermittently throughout the next two days.  I felt such total disappointment in myself.


I apologized to Tom repeatedly over the course of that evening and the next day.  Although he was still upset, he was not holding a grudge.  He told me that he forgave me and that I didn’t need to continue to apologize.  I asked him if we should just stop doing DD.  I felt undeserving of it.  Here I had been, acting like the world’s worst wife ever and yet, I had asked all of the DD stuff from him.  I cannot overstate how horrible I felt about myself and about “everything.”  He calmly told me that we were not going to stop DD.  I don’t remember what else he said right then, but the “take home message” was that I would be getting a “bad girl spanking” the next evening.  Of course, I was not surprised at all to hear that.  Part of me welcomed it.  I had hopes that I could let go of my guilt after the spanking.  Another part of me feared it.  I knew that this would be, by far, the hardest and most authentic “punishment spanking” I had ever gotten from him.  I was nervous enough about it that my stomach hurt for most of the next afternoon.

That evening after the kids went to bed, he came into the bedroom and told me that it was time.  He ordered me to stand and bend over the bed.   I did as he said.  He pulled down my pants and started to lecture me calmly.

I wish I could remember exactly what he said, but I don’t.  He said something like, “I don’t want to have to do this to you, but you know our rules.  You pretty much ran the gamut – disrespect, danger, disobedience.  You really leave me no choice.”

He picked up two of our implements: our Cracker Barrel paddle and our DD paddle from the London Tanners.   For anyone not familiar, the Cracker Barrel paddle is a seven-ply wooden paddleball paddle with the string and ball removed.  Back in the day, it was quite popular amongst our peers in the world of TTWD.  I don’t see it referenced at all anymore.  The London Tanners DD paddle is our scariest implement.  It hurts.  

He started with the Cracker Barrel paddle and spanked every inch of my bare bottom.  He then switched to the DD paddle.  I didn’t count how many swats he gave me, but I was whimpering and “ouch”-ing with each one.  Then, he returned to the Cracker Barrel paddle and started paddling me in sets of three quick swats all in the same place.  My whimpers intensified right along with the spanking.  Finally, he stopped and switched back to the DD paddle…

… and then, there was a knock on our bedroom door. 

I mean, of course, right?  Never before have we ever been overheard by one of our children (who fortunately, just expressed concern that something had fallen somewhere), so of course, it would happen that night.

When we heard the knock, I jumped up and ran into the master bathroom behind a closed door.  Tom dealt with our child and sent her back to bed.  Then, he came back into the bedroom, gave me a long hug while we stood in the threshold of the bedroom, and that was that.

The ending that I want to write here is that then, I went to bed happily and felt so, so much better.

That is not what happened.  And this is where I need your help, dear readers. 

I sat down on our bed and stared into space for several minutes.  Tom sat at his computer to play a game.  He could tell that something was wrong.  He asked me to talk to him.  I wanted to, but I honestly didn’t know what to say or what I was even feeling.

Gradually, I realized that I felt disappointed. Then, I felt guilty all over again for feeling disappointed.  He had given me a legitimate punishment spanking.  It could not have been accurately described as “wimpy” in any sort of way.  Despite that, there I sat with only a moderately sore, hot bottom.  I wanted more.  I wanted to be aching and acutely uncomfortable.  I also realized that the interruption had significantly impacted my experience of the punishment.  More disappointment.  

As these realities set in, I started crying again.  Not only was I disappointed in the experience, but I still felt profoundly disappointed in myself.  I still felt like a “bad girl.”  It sucked.

So, here are my questions:
  • What thoughts do you have about why I felt so disappointed after the spanking?  Do you think that it was primarily due to having been disrupted?
  •  With regard to how hard the spanking was, am I seeking a post-spanking sensation that is fictional?  I mean, I have read in various places that the “so sore you can’t sit down” thing isn’t very realistic.  Again, the spanking was hard and it did hurt.   It was the hardest spanking Tom has ever given me. I don’t know how else to say it, though.  Frankly, I wanted an extremely sore bottom -- a punished bottom that would acutely hurt for at least a few hours.  Is that real?  Is that a thing?  If so, how is that achieved?  (Of course, I know that everyone has different pain tolerances, etc.)
Eventually, I was able to tearfully share my thoughts and feelings with Tom.  I had figured out what I needed right then and for the first time ever in our marriage, I just flat out asked.  I asked him to stay with me and to stroke my hair while we laid in bed.  He did.  It helped me to calm down and go to sleep.  I felt loved.

The next morning, I felt much better.  I remained in better spirits for the entire week.  Was it because of the spanking?  Was it because I didn’t have any more tears to shed over the whole stupid situation?  Do I overthink these things? (Don’t answer that last question.)  I have no idea… but I am very happy to have that whole fiasco behind us!

9 comments:

  1. Wow! Just Wow! First, I am so sorry that you had such a rough go of it. It sounds awful. The sherriff and I had a similar week, so I totally feel for you!

    I have no answers as we are just beginning and the sherriff has not spanked me (yet). However, dont diminsh your feelings. They are real. I do think the interruption was the probable issue but will leave the answers to those who speak with experience.

    Hugs
    Boo

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    1. I wanted to email and make sure you are ok, but I can only comment. Please let me know! I am thinking about you Princess Imp!

      Hugs
      Boo

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    2. Aww, Boo. You are so sweet. I just added my email to my profile. Thanks for that heads up. I am totally fine. Feeling much better and gearing up for Thanksgiving!

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  2. Okay first of all let me address the paddle/ sore bum issue ( I might run out of computer time and this is the quickest answer to give). No having a sore bum the next day is not fictional- though the longer you do ttwd the less likely it is going to happen as you end up killing nerve endings in your butt so you don't get that feeling or bruising like in the beginning. As for right now, sorry if this upsets you but the Cracker Barrel paddle may sting, but it isn't a heavy duty implement. In order to feel things for a longer time you need a much denser paddle ( like solid would verses layers of light wood). Even leather in my experience anyway doesn't have the 'stuff' to get through the outer layer of your butt into the area that feels it later. You require a much thuddier implement. That being said, canes which are light ( actual canes, don't kid yourself tilt wands sting like the devil but they aren't a cane) can do both- most likely due to the fact they are light ( which causes the sting) and the area struck in concentrated to a small thin line so it penetrates the layers beyond your skin.

    Okay B is home now so I will write more about how totally normal your day was. I will leave you with this tid bit *wink* We hardly ever fought before Dd. Much like you myself AND many friends ( Just ask at ADDS) found Dd actually brought out some extreme emotions from us that were never really there before. If you look back at that day, you can see that most of your angst was caused because you were hoping/wanting/expecting some Dd action from your husband. Also I could tell you were heading for a fall ( because I have been there and recognized it) when you had in your mind that you were going to get your worst spanking yet. Yeah, that rarely happens- especially at the start. I'll end with something a good friend of mine told me years ago- " Sometimes it takes a while for our head to catch up with our bums". Meaning you didn't feel any different right away after your spanking, but later you did.

    As for your hubby playing a game after punishment interupti- suggest he read my comment at least from this point on. We live with 3 people besides ourselves. We tend to get interrupted on occasion- please don't let that dictate the amount of dominance and when it ends. Sure the spanking ended, but Dominate acts can continue. Corner time etc....There is nothing worse as a sub to be left hanging.

    Good luck!
    willie

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    1. Thanks for the feedback, Willie! Doesn't upset me at all to hear that the CB paddle isn't a heavy duty implement. Facts are facts. I appreciate your thoughts. As for Tom, he didn't intend to leave me hanging. He and I both thought that our typical post-spanking hug would be sufficient aftercare. Turns out we were wrong.

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    2. That's great to hear, now you can just turn it into a learning experience. We still have things happen like that here. We tend to branch into the Dominance and Submission aspects of life beyond Dd ( punishment driven dynamic) now and some of B's resets are very, very intense. About a month ago, after the reset came to an end, I suggested he go for a hike with our restless son. I thought I was fine, albeit exhausted, and continued on limping through the day. The next day subdrop hit like a lead balloon. I was not myself. I was flat, exhausted, unfocused etc...text book physical subdrop. We aren't new at this, but sometimes we 'forget' or bypass because we think things are fine and ignore what might be around the corner.

      My point is as you go along with this dynamic things change and you often don't see it coming. Don't beat yourselves up about it - learn and more importantly remember. If you find something similar happens again bring it up. A few years into Dd I asked B if he would ask me the next day after a punishment or reset if he would initiate a conversation by asking me how I was feeling. That helped a lot!

      willie

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  3. Hi Princess we mainly do TTWD for fun. I have had the occasion odd punishment spanking but not usually. So seeing I can't talk from experience I will just say I think maybe you should have told Tom you still felt guilty. He could have either given you more swats or an alternative punishment like Willie said. Like corner time or similar.
    Hope this helps. I'm sure it would have been so frustrating for you being interrupted.
    Good luck in future.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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  4. Hi, PrincessImp,
    I get what you are saying. There are a few times after punishment that I feel awful. Like it didn't work and why? I can say a few things and hopefully it will help a tad.

    When I have inflicted so much guilty feelings into my head and heart I want it to hurt physically to the point I feel the guilt drift away. Rarely happens when I've worked myself to that state, but I do understand that staring off into space feeling. Hoss will try to get me to talk and I just can not. Partly because I do no wish for him to think that I needed more, even though sometimes I do. But the thing is, if I tell him I need more, he usually will give it to me. So maybe talk with Tom. Explain how it made you feel. You are needing to communicate your thoughts here and your thoughts are not wrong. They are based on the experience you had. There have been a few times Hoss has had to spank again. I hate that, but it shows he's watching and reading me.

    I pray that things are better now. That you guys were able to work through this...I really do.
    --Baker

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  5. Hi, P.I.! First of all, you did a great job writing here and explaining exactly what happened and conveying how you feel about it all. And what you're still not sure about, too.

    The disappointment after the spanking is because it wasn't enough for you. I know the interruption didn't help things, but I don't know if it was the direct cause. Sometimes it is that the pain needs to be deeper on your bum.... but, sometimes it is that the spanking just needs to be longer... it's needing to release emotionally DURING the spanking. So you need to keep talking with your husbands about this need. We all have to keep talking and make adjustments and figure out where and how to tweak things. I don't think your expectations are fiction at all. I have been exactly where you are at many times. Storm and I have had the DD implosion thing happen, too, where we consider calling the DD quits in a highly emotional situation. All of what you said above is normal within a marriage and a ttwd marriage, too. Thanks for sharing this post. Keep talking with your man! Hugs! Windy

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